Who Do You Say that I AM?

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I took it in because I was still in love with the fantasy life I would have with him …. Last week 8 months after this promise he turned round in an argument when I challenged him about the fact I had stated VERY clearly that this time I wouldnt accept being a mistress that I had made it clear that unless he was certain that in the very near future he was getting divorced and leaving he told me that load of bull the first week I met him!

He had never said that to me before and would know that on a scale of 1 to 10 that would be the most hurtful thing to say to me. I was just in a competition where the woman who put up and shut up the most was obviously the one he was going to stay with. It was like someone had taken the blinkers off. I realised I was in love with the idea of me and him together in our own little world when in fact if I did get the reality of him leaving I would end up with a man who came with a whole load of baggage. I wrote an unsent letter to myself … in it I came to understand that although I had never known him then I was in love with the 35 year old single version of him before he was married or had kids not the 55 year old who was prone to very black moods, who would never take me out or go on holiday with me, who would have a crazy ex wife who would make my life hell, who would always put his family first … something he would never see me as.

With that ONE vindictive sentence my fantasy is over and every time I make the mistake of thinking about texting phoning or seeing him it stops me dead in my tracks. Its early days of NC but it keeps my thoughts firmly in reality …. So, what does he need from you to leave his wife? To be a doormat? Then why would he leave her if you put up with it? Allie, too right, all those years of me chasing the relationship fantasy must have resulted in a healthy ego. Last year when he suddenly decided to end things I was in bits, trying to convince him it was a mistake, then after a month of texts, calls and drama filled discussions I read the fallback girl and went NC and he changed his mind.

Like a fool I gave him a second chance, but this time what he said was so shitty I have NO urge to chase him at all. Intothelight, were you dating my ex??!?

The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship by Natalie Lue (Paperback / softback, 2013)

After the third, I had had enough anyway, and when I snooped on his phone and found the pics of his prostitute-gf in Thailand, including naked pics of her in his bed, and her kissing him on an outing, that was the end for me, in my head anyway. He accepted it, only to dump me a few months later, after causing me weeks of agony by his silent treatment, etc. He got mad. Anyway, he had expected me to pine for him and beg him to take me back or whatever, or to feel really really upset and not want to go on with my life, because that somehow in his sick mind validated him and confirmed to himself that he was important and valuable.

What a sicko. Anyway, I of course did not chase after him after he removed me from facebook. This made me him wonder, and possibly fume. He sent me an email passive aggressive, justifying his behavior, telling me he was going to Thailand! The last one he sent me was something like 2 weeks ago, telling me that I was pissed off, and that he would leave me alone and thanks for the good memories.

Holy crap! My ex MM left his wife and came over to tell me so. Not so we could be together though like he future faked me with. He told me to not have any expectations from him and tried to get me to have sex with him. I just laughed in his face. How do these idiots expect us to believe anything they say? Not wearing rose colored glasses is really enlightening. I too am guilty of this fantasy BS. But no more. I am constantly checking my boundaries. Reality is where I need to be. Mine kept saying this too. Imagine that! I was SO stupid.

Yes, I think there is an element of them working right out of a handbook. Honestly, I think they do look into self-help books a lot, these types. Of course, no books about how to get into or maintain healthy relationships. God no, relationships, what are those and who needs them when one is so great as to get all that one wants without having to commit, take responsibility, etc.? Anyway, any time a guy tells me not to have any expectations, I will not have any, and will not want to have any dealings with him. You see, I DO have expectations from people I associate myself with: like, expecting to be treated with a modicum of decency and respect.

Now I see those fantasies for what they are: utterly ridiculous.

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No strings attached sex, that is. What was I thinking? I used to go out alone to the pub every evening. I have learned to embrace loneliness and even boredom, and to make the best out of it, by hanging out with myself, spending some quality time with myself, being my best friend, and just doing the things I enjoy doing, including enjoying a quiet night in, with some popcorn and a movie in bed, or a bed-time book.

I love it so far. No good will come out of associating with these people. If many men have commitment issues, those men do so more than the rest of the general male population. Possibly the fact that they get into jobs like that, is really because of their desire to stay away from home possibly the wife and to avoid any commitment to any one woman they may meet in any one city they may have visited. Instead, they can build as big a harem as they want. Stay away from these types, ladies. Do not fantasize about the man who will leave his house, belongings, even job, to settle down in your country and marry you.

Bla bla bla, all talk and no actual action. Turned out, his claim that he had put in a request was a big fat lie. He had also claimed, after being stationed elsewhere, that there were no longer any jobs left for him to do in my city, which were patently untrue as I found out that his co-worker whom I had met on the day that I met my ex had been sent out for multiple jobs here, requiring a month-long stay.

Mine was a habitual liar, he even lied about small, insignificant stuff, to his co-workers or boss. Like, once, his flight back home got cancelled, and he called his boss back in England to tell him about it and to sort something out. He had earlier called the company that had booked him the flight, but when the boss asked him if he had already called them, he said no.

When he hung up, he told me he was worried because he had been caught lying.. So it was definitely not a matter of confusion. I even comforted him and told him — supportive gf that I was! If only I had seen all the red flags sooner than I did. I got sick with a cold, and was bed-ridden for nearly a week and a half, and even now, feel extremely tired and unwilling to go out. I felt like a loner, and I felt that most of the people who worked at the bar viewed me as one too. Anyway, it was a wake-up call. They viewed me as easy material. I feel so bad about that now that I think about it, but I have learned to embrace the experience and learn from it, rather than get bitter and upset over the past.

And even if he were unattached, why would you want to own, if you could, an AC? I know the fantasizing and subsequent misery that takes place for the OW. You know it, too. So why persist in this folly? He is not going to leave his wife. Get it through your head for once and for all. Stop waiting for it and kidding yourself.

You are wasting precious time, and being unavailable to possibly meet a decent man. I was there only two years ago. Like you, it was one little thing that he did which was relatively minor compared to all the other crap he pulled one me. But that was the epiphany moment.

Please stay NC. You say now that it is final for this umpteenth time? I hope so. You deserve better. The reason his remark hurt you so much and I remember you telling us before that he said that to you is because it represents total disrespect for you as a human being, a woman, who has feelings. Tinkerbell Thanks for the advice. I broke NC once and Im probably defensive because final did seem final at the time and I feel stupid enough without it seeming I made the same mistake over and over. Anyway once was enough and I now see what a fool I have been.

Some of the feedback is tough but when you choose shady behaviour I guess you cant be surprised that not all of what you hear is sugar coated. Thanks again. Tink: You are right. For me, it the cheating that still stings. I very rarely think of him but when I do I literally boil with rage. It like he can live a perfect life while being an AC, while I loved him and I still suffer the pain. I know everyone is different and it takes people different lengths of time to get a person out of your system. So fraught with futility for numerous reasons.

The sooner she realizes this the better. There are more negative implications in having an illicit affair because there are at least THREE people involved. And Into, I fail to see how the use of the English language has anything to do with this. Thanks for your views. I agree there is nothing realistic in saying my MM for obvious reasons or my AC or EUM if being either of these makes or made in the case of an ex the person unable to reciprocate.

Does it take two by defination? Thanks for your input. Clearly we cannot own another person as we would an object. But, I thank you for supporting my idea and adding a different spin on it.

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Lizzp Lol! Lizz, I asked for this. There are instances when the marriage went to sh t very early. That was the case in my own 1st marriage. I see nothing wrong with that. My thinking is black or white. Hugs Tink. Please address why you would yearn for the break up of a family- and the pain that it causes — and why you would settle for do little over this long period.

Allsion, I think yearned is too strong a term … I just wanted him to come good on the promise he had made me. Naive in hindsight. I met him originally when my partner was suddenly terminally ill… he was his old friend who I had only ever heard of before. He stayed with me at his bedside for 6 weeks, in which he told me how he was in the process of leaving his wife and moving into a flat. I had always knocked back advances from MM, but didnt see him like that, in that he was already leaving her or so he said and because he was spending every day with me I had no reason to doubt he was lying ….

After several months of him ingratiating himself into every aspect of my life and ultimately ending up together his story of staying until his daughter, a teenager, was an adult seemed like a genuine request, again my naivety, I saw him as my best friend, someone who would never lie to me and surly not after all he knew I had been through. Like I said before it sounds naive, but I thought I had no reason to think he was lying hence the shock of the split last year.

The price of an education. Into, He sounds like an out and out shit, taking advantage of you in your time of grief and vulnerability. Yes you were naive, but he really is a toad. I feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for his wife. What a vile man. I guess after the support he had shown me in my hour of need I convinced myself that as a decent human being I owed him. I finally got the chance to tell him how he had made me feel, and yes I challenged him about the fact that his daughter was now an adult and his previous reason for staying no longer applied.

He said she was in the process of moving to a job in America and as soon as that was done he could focus on getting his house ready for selling. Funnily enough the goalposts got moved again… he needed to save to fix the roof, then he needed to save a bit more to get the driveway changed into a parking space …all in the name of making the house more desirable to sell in a depressed market blah, blah, blah.

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Guess what his daughter never went to the US and his mum is fine. It was this total carrot and stick situation that eventually made me snap and that was when the proverbial shit hit the fan. Thanks for the support. He preyed on you like a vulture. He saw you were not only naive, which they can smell in a minute, but you were in the process of getting over your SO at that time.

He wormed his way in pretending that he had only friendly intentions. You, knowing he was the friend of your SO, did not suspect that he would be so callous and devious. You learned. I trust that you know what to do and will not fall off the NC wagon. Into, just so you know, these assclowns know exactly what they are doing.

He future faked me and then, like I wrote in the comment above, he did leave his wife after I had gone NC. It is a shocking thing that they lie the way they do. I never asked him to leave his wife, EVER. They will lie even when there is no reason to do so. They are the key. Have learned to take folks as they are, note potential problems, and bail even though that means bailing on darn near every man I meet.

Have realized that my lifestyle is waaay beyond what most peers are OK with, that most are really into stuff like TV, pop culture, not into fitness, being deep into the woods, not into self sufficiency. I do fantasize about escaping into the woods when I am stressed and trying to fall asleep, going back home to my humble farmstead, fighting the evil forces of mining and other forces of planetary rape sorry if I offend, but this chick had her life threatened multiple times by pro mining types. This is actually what I will be doing upon retirement; that and growing really good tomatoes.

Hopefully a counselling appointment this week might shed some light and help. Or a good kick in the bum! I read something today about being an achiever — and that one important thing is to enjoy the journey. However, what you have is today, the present, and so I think its equally important that you are living the process, and becoming a more present person right now. You might get the house and then other things go wrong or its not exactly what you wanted etc etc.

Oh and the second rule was small manageable goals! So both those fit your dream while at the same time keeping you in the present enjoying your life as it is today. Very good points Suki. Very true Suki. I tend to forget that. Enjoy the journey. No matter what the result is, the journey is what makes the difference. And being grateful for all I have today. And the faith that things will turn out well. Thank you. Just be.

Good luck to all. I wish I were back in Toronto, doing this work. But the dream job, that I would need to commit to, is here in a town that is frankly depressing in its lack of culture and diversity. Rev, I commend you for your bravery. And I got another handsome health practitioner new massage therapist yesterday who set off fantasy buttons soon quelched by getting off the table and seeing the pics of the kids. And I have run through asking him to coffee a million times in my head. Frustrated with myself about this one. At least the meditation is, bizarrely, helping me get out of my head and stay in the moment.

See who he really is. Please give yourself time. This is not the time to be fantasing about men. Focus on your health right now. Once you have recovered from these health issues, you will even think more clearly about what man you appeals to you. Body and mind work in tandem. It seems that right now you are seeking validation with any man who looks good and who is logistically within your realm.

Laini Taylor on Genre Blurring and "Strange the Dreamer"

Please stop. Get healthy first. Pamper yourself, and take care of your body. You only have one. You need to at least be physically up for it. All the best to you. Call him up and ask him Magnolia. At the very least you might have a great coffee date and learn more about him rather than fantasizing if you are. I did that when I was in Toronto recently I want to live there too!

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  6. We do similar work. We went for a lovely lunch and then he re-asked me for a second lunch a few days later. It was just lovely, so interesting, such a fine person and although there is no romantic future in it I had a wonderful time and feel I have a new friend. It was also good for me to initiate it and be in the moment. It reminded me that this actually IS me not anxious, fearful and frustrated person I often am when around my ex. Fantasy has played a huge role in my life. My ex never lived in the real world so I was, in many ways, the practical one in the marriage and in our business.

    I saw and planned ahead and got things done, often dragging him along behind me. So I would say I see many parts of the world realistically but then I have to knock my head and remind myself that I lived in a fantasy marriage where I expected my ex to change and give me the empathy, thoughtfulness, partnership and respect I deserved. That was a pretty major fantasy. Apparently he loves, loves, loves me…. I have always been a forgive and forget kind of person. Can someone please explain how he can be like this?? Much MORE important for you to figure out why you are all caught up with a guy like this and continue to let him yank your chain.

    But do so from the position of the Observer, calmly and with much self-compassion. My experience with the ex led to all kinds of feelings I had never had before: hate both for him and for myself , resentment, revenge fantasies, envy off the charts, and holding a grudge. And I have! I kept on thinking that things would be okay, that I would get my fantasy relationship with him, that we would live happily ever after..

    There is nothing that seems to stop him. You still sound totally caught up in him.

    You need to take a big step back from this guy and stick by your decisions. You still want and you ultimately believe you will have him one day. Yet you say you hate him. Sandy, you need to work on YOU. Try to stop obsessing about him and think about YOURself. Could you lead a more contented, self satisfied, less frenzied life if he were totally out of it? My therapist tells me to use mirroring which I never do. Step outside of yourself, pretend you are advising someone else what to do, what would you tell that person. Think about it.

    Start over with NC and be serious about it. Block him from your land line also. YOU have to do it. What would I be winning? A man who treats me with no thought or consideration, who found somebody else when I was struggling to save our relationship but he had already picked the next lucky lady sarcasm there. So much of your teachings mirror truths in the art world: You make art for you and you alone always keeping expectations in check, get heavy on the self soothing and learn to treat constructive criticism as you very best friend aside from yourself.

    Oh, Sandy. But all they have for us is sex. And you did it. Fear that what I really want does not exist. But how about if it DOES exist??? Am I gonna find it messin around with an AC? And your case too. It is NOT what I want. I have been that angry with an AC……. Time for me to drop him and not look back. And I did. For 13 years. Lazy contact, long breaks in between, never really moving any closer emotionally, not really a relationship in ANY way.

    Yet I fool myself into thinking it is. What can keep us hooked on ACs is that they do have some insight into what makes us who we are, and for us, we cling to the moments when they seemed to care. That is where you need to focus your energies…answering THAT question. Elgie, it hurts a lot, but what hurts the most is I keep on putting myself through it, false bravado is the only way I am able to cope, I am hoping it will become fact.

    I listen to his words and I believe every single one of them even though I should know better…I read all the BR posts and feel positive but then I just caved on hearing his voice again, Magnolia is right I am still invested but how do I become that strong woman again? Hi Sandy, I feel for you cos I feel at the same spot. Even seeing his face puts me in a bad mood sometimes…I think how can he be such a despicable person. I have felt I feel much better without any of his presence at all.

    I try really hard not to think why? But some people would as its such a game to them. I decided that game is not fun anymore. I felt better too when he is not there, I am more angry at myself then him, he knows I have given in constantly so he just expects it now and I never disappoint him. I used to wonder how women went back and now I know, I am one of them. Even now while reading all of this I am wondering how can I make this right, there goes months of counselling, ah well at least I can laugh at that…I am not down and out yet. My counsellor said it is as it is and I am holding tight to that thought.

    She clearly wanted to change partners from the beginning, and not trusting herself to go slow, she made sure it was long distance for a long time. For her it was real. Don't understand how you wound up spending years with someone you hardly see? In love before you've even gone on that first date with somebody you met on dating site?

    Keep letting your assumptions and projections run away with you? In this modern age of texts, email, Facebook, online dating, and casual relationships, it's never been so easy to have a fantasy relationship. An increasing number of people are satisfied with sprinklings of attention and interaction, because they can have the illusion of being loved, cared for, and in control, while also avoiding commitment, intimacy, and 'full-on' rejection.

    The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship explains how fantasy relationships work, why they're so attractive, and the types of fantasy relationship and people that you're likely to be involved with.